Ok. The title is a little strong and in reality I do know inside, that life never fucks you over. So maybe let me rephrase:

„Life will knock you down more times then you can possibly imagine. Only for your own good.“

Now – weeks later after the accident, as I am writing this – these statements sound strong and angry. But believe me, at the time I had no anger at all. I was simply devastated and felt completely broken. I kept repeating to every doctor, every nurse: „….I have to dance on the first of August. I must be there“ and only got shaking heads in response to my begging.

There was no doubt for me, that life did knock me out for a reason. Was I not listening? Why now? Why with this abrasiveness?

I could not get my head around it.

The last months, everything felt like life is totally agreeing with my plans and helps me along the way and then suddenly this??? Total brake.

When I woke up after the operation, still being completely alone, with no one at my side (and man, what did I wish that someone were there to hold my hand) the only way, I could feel myself being able to deal with it, was to get all of this vortex from inside OUT.

I had nothing to write on. No laptop, no paper, no journal. So all I had, was my phone and I sat for hours, amateurishly cutting a video together of my day, the accident, the emergency fly-out and me, feeling shattered – not only in my physical body.

I made it for me to deal with what has happened. And I made it for my KAIZEN family.

Why?
Maybe because I was on these mountains, that I imagined to take the Kaizeners to next year.
Maybe because I made so many videos along the day for them, so they were right there in my mind.
And maybe because I felt, that it was the right corner to turn to. Where I could find, what I need.

Kwenda keeps saying, that he prays for his classes to result in people getting, what they need. Not what they want. This statement burned itself into my skin and is unmistakably connected to KAIZEN.

The response from the Kaizeners was overwhelming. I felt flooded with love and wisdom. And a few MESSAGES repeated themselves and stuck with me:

>> I am not alone.

>> I am like a superwoman. I am awesome and courageous.

>> I should ask for EVERYTHING and let others take care of me.

>> Patience.

>> Dancing will always be there, waiting for me. And KAIZEN Dance won’t go anywhere. They all will be waiting. KAIZEN will be here.

>> Everything happens for a reason. Trust life – it is so wise and always a miracle.

And overwhelmingly in every single message to me.

>> BE GRATEFUL! 

Well, each of the messages above, certainly an ongoing life subject of my own. Except gratitude.

Yes, gratitude. Something that I practice constantly. With people. With challenges in relationships. With life. With finances. It feels very natural to me to be grateful. But apparently there are always different layers to the subjects you learn.

I went through quite a journey with my body until I found gratitude for it. And I mean ALL of it. It took a lot of work and I thought, I AM THERE.

And now this. A completely new level of practicing gratitude with my body. Gratitude with life.

„Focus on Gratitude“ I heard and read over and over.

I swear, if this was not repeated in every message to me and if it would have not come from the Kaizeners, I swear, I would have answered: „Be grateful? What the F’&!C/§K!“

But I learned long time ago, when messages with the same piece of information come to you from all directions, you better start listening and take it serious – no matter if you can make sense of it or not.

So. Gratitude, ai?

Being grateful. Hmmm.

That was THE MESSAGE on day 1.

Well, there I was. All my dreams for the next half of the year….destroyed.

9 screws and a metal plate in my leg, not knowing how and if I will recover completely.

Strong pain in my body and my heart and a compelling feeling of sadness that was running through my blood and system.
Being grateful for this feeling? Are you crazy?

Been going through my life and its tolls, I have certainly had my share of insights, that you can find gratitude in tragedies, that later turn out to be „the best thing“ that happened to you. But even with this knowledge, I did not feel any closer to gratitude in this case.

So, with some distance I took a look at the obvious and hard-headed facts to come closer to being thankful for this accident:

Here is what I started up with:

– I could have fallen from the mountain or died

– I could have broken more limbs and injuries could be much worse

– I could have been in this accident at any other time and day, where there would have been no people on the mountain and certainly no mountain rescue crew – which could have meant that I would have been stuck there for hours or days

– With a longer wait, they would have never been able to operate so soon

Now, as time passed, I feel rather fascinated and amazed at this „event“, that feels

Perfectly orchestrated by the universe.

Like a meticulously planned award-show. Where every step is scheduled. Every minute is accounted for. Nothing goes wrong.

This is, how it feels to me now. Like life really wanted to knock me over, in the sense of Uli – STOP! I guess, it needed to be so LOUD for me to hear it.

But „they“ made sure, that exactly this – and nothing more or worse happenened to me.

The purpose was, that I cannot walk any further, any faster, or get away. The purpose was, to STOP me.

Isn’t that crazy? Life stopping you in this brutal and painful way and then lovingly taking you in its arms afterwards, so that nothing else keeps happening to you. A little grotesque.

Those of you, who know me, know how meticulous I plan for myself. How structured I am. How perfectionistic I get to plan exactly like this. To know, how and what will happen at what time.

It feels almost like a comedy; like life is yanking me, winking at me with its charme while it „gets“ me with my very own way of arranging and organizing my accident down to the smallest detail.

Well, I guess I never considered life and the universe officially to be such a great event-planner. I also never doubted it, but there is always a difference between being aware of something somewhere in the back of your head and bones or consciously acknowledging it.

I have to admit, with this perfectly orchestrated accident-event planning of the universe, I found my master.

And I asked myself: What is KAIZEN for me today?

My answer: Stop, apparently means STOP!
(A little piece of advice: stop, before they make you :-).

So, when life tells you in various ways to slow down. To stop.

Do you?

Truly & from the ♥

Ulrike