Why did this happen to me?
Why ME? Well, because clearly there is a lesson aimed at ME.
Much more interesting is the word WHY?
If everything happens for a reason, then what was the reason behind this accident, perfectly orchestrated by something higher? WHY did THIS happen?
When I came home from the hospital, there was really nothing to do then feel miserable and watch movies. So, the first movie I watched was, how could it be anything else: „The Peaceful Warrior“.
I love this sequence in the beginning, when Dan just met Socrates at the gas station and he wants to know, how he „flew up“ and made this really high jump from the floor to the roof. Socrates says to him:
„YOU LIKE THINGS EXPLAINED, DON’T YOU?!“
I always have to laugh about this movie quote, because I am „one of those“. THOSE, that like things explained until I understand them. And it has and still is one of my biggest challenges, to just let things happen. To accept them in trust, that it is right – no matter if I understand it right now or not.
So, me being one of those 🙂 and laying around at home, destracting myself from the pain and my mysery, I went on the search for the explanation why this happened to me.
I made the experience, that when you really ask yourself this question. Like REALLY ask yourself….and I don’t know how to explain this „really“ – because this sensation is probably different for everyone.
If you really ask yourself: „Why did this happen to me?“ You WILL get an answer.
For me, this answer is never in my head. It’s a thought or a memory that I FEEL rather then thinking it. It comes up as kind of a CLUE, inviting me to find the answer.
So, when I asked this question over and over, two situations came bubbling up inside of me. Constantly.
Clue #1
I have just driven to Frankfurt for 2 days to meet my old and amazing friend Alejandro from Argentina, who visited Germany together with his dad for a business fair. I have not seen him for 10 years and he has started a family life over there, with now 3 beautiful women under his wing and there was no question, if I would travel up there to see him. For me – that is what I do. If I have the chance to see a friend, I travel around the globe for it. There is no greater reason to travel.
It wasn’t easy to organize this short trip as I just started a new work and I really had to cut this time out of an imaginary availability. But I really do believe in the sentence: „wo ein Wille ist, ist auch ein Weg“ which basically means, „if you really WANT to, you’ll find a way“. And as I am very strong-willed, I found one.
We had a great time and on the 2nd evening, we had dinner together with his father, who I really like. He told me, that before he returns home, he will make a stop in Munich for 2 days.
Suddenly I hear myself say (almost forcing him): „when you are in Munich, YOU HAVE TO go with me to the mountains. You cannot just look around Munich’s tourist places, you have to see the Hoellentalklamm“ (one of my most beloved places).
He said, that he might not be able to get there, as they are only around by train and I heard myself say again: „No problem.I’ll pick you up, of course.“
Now, this hospitality and showing people around is quite natural to me and I just LOVE it and do it as often as I have the chance. The problem this time was, I had absolutely not one minute free of time to do it. Every single minute from basically this dinner till after the Human Trust Summer Celebration, was planned out.
I felt like in one of these comics, where an angel and a devil sit on both your shoulders.
The „good side“ says: „Uli, you don’t have time to do that. Please, don’t overdo it.“
„daredevil side“ answers: „aaahhh, come on – you’ll find a way. Take a day off from work.“
good side: „But you just started this new work. You have to put in time and effort.“
daredevil: „One day more or less. What difference will it make?!“
Clue #2
…was my memory of me going to Lisbon with a big fat bronchitis. This bronchitis carried on for 7 weeks without really getting cured. When I was on the mountain that day, I had medically moved on to a cortisone inhaler, which also did not help and I was supposed to get antibiotics the coming Monday.
The fascinating thing was, I was still coughing all day long until this accident happened.
In the moment I broke my leg, it disappeared. Completely.
With all the adrenalin and the shock I did not really realize the coughing was gone, until I spent the first night and day in the hospital. In the beginning, I explained it to myself with the shock and stress of my body, the medication and the wear off from the general anaesthesia blocking my coughing. I realized pretty soon after, that the coughing was gone for good. It got replaced by something much stronger.
So „analyzing“ these clue’s, I would come up with this answer for myself:
Life wanted me to slow down. They „sent“ me this major bronchitis, which did not impress me at all. Instead, I packed my calendar even fuller. So, the immediate absence of the bronchitis in the moment of the accident, for me, is one of the clearest signs of life.
I imagine life (and the different voices and faces of it) discussing about me sounding something like that:
Life-Worrier:
„Damnit. She is not listening to us to slow down. It’s not good.“
Life-Executioner:
„Let’s send her some kind of disease.“
Life-Mother:
„A disease? This is a little strong, don’t you think! What about a bug. Like a bronchitis. It will bound her to the bed for a couple of weeks and definitely slow her down.“
Life-Executioner:
„Fine. A bronchitis it is.“
2 WEEKS LATER
Life-Worrier:
„Can you believe this girl?! She is going to two concerts of friends this week and directly afterwards seriously flying to Lissabon for 10 days to dance. With a bloody bronchitis! No! No! No! Flying in that condition – weakens the heart. Not good for her system at all.“
Life-Executioner:
„I told you, we should have given her a disease.“
Life-Mother:
„Oh stop it. You are so cruel. Let’s keep the bronchitis strong, so she at least cannot go over the top.“
Life-Executioner:
„Like that helped?!“
Life-Father:
„Don’t be so cynical. She’ll learn her lesson. Let’s make sure, she does not get rid of this bronchitis until she really takes some time out. She’ll get it. You’ll see.“
4 WEEKS LATER
Life-Worrier:
„I am worried she gone deaf. Instead of slowing down, she is speeding up. She filled up her calendar down to the last second. It’s not good for her.“
Life-Executioner:
„So, when diseases are out, what you think about cutting her foot off? That would hit her, where it hurts. Dancing. Walking. Running around…..impossible.“
Life-Mother:
„Good Lord, we don’t want to cripple her. You really should see someone about this aggressiveness. We only want to slow her down, so that she can breath and listen to herself and us again.“
Life-Father:
„He’s right though. She’s not listening. Disabling her legs in some way will definitely leave no choice for her.“
Life-Executioner:
„Let’s do it then.“
Life-Father:
„Fine.“
Life-Mother:
„But nothing too crazy. Only temporary and only one side. And she will recover fully. I insist on that! It will keep her from doing anything for a while and will push her towards herself and us again. Only the least necessary, you hear me!!!“
LIFE TO BODY…..
Life: „You’re listening?“
Body: „Heard every word“
Life: „…take her out!“
As Dan Millman says (the real one):
„Life throws a ping-pong-ball before it throws a bowling-ball“.
We can learn a lesson from a dream, from an incident, from a suggestion somebody makes.
But the more stubborn we are, the more dramatic the lessons will get.
I don’t feel myself as stubborn but maybe as someone, who lately did not pay attention or didn’t listen – at least to certain aspects.
Everything has a purpose. And normally I would say, it is up to me, to find it.
But when I ask, what is KAIZEN for me in this?
Instead of answering, that finding the purpose is up to me, I say: it is up to me to ACCEPT it with TRUST.
Trust, that it is good. Trust, that the truth, the knowledge and wisdom behind it will unfold, when the time is right and I am ready. (And oh my god, is that difficult to do.)
When did you last struggle with the question, what purpose it has, what’s happening to you?
And…do you trust?
Truly & from the ♥
Ulrike
PS: The Mountain Family
